Wednesday, December 06, 2006

True Believers

We all know that the truth is when anybody says that God has spoken to them, or even told them to do something, they're either nuts or lying. If they really believe it, then, they're kind of delusional, to be kind about it.

Even true believers will doubt someone who claims that God talks to them. Because the fact is that God does not show up and visit people. He doesn't phone, he doesn't write, he doesn't use a walkie talkie. He just doesn't get in touch. Ever. It is not by any means a regular occurrence. In fact, it just doesn't happen. Nobody really gets visited by God. And we all know that.

But what if God did just pop in to anybody's house any time? What if He was always showing up and giving people instructions? "Fred! Go out into your back yard and build me an ark!" What a pain in the ass that would become in no time flat. Just the idea of God popping in and out without notice, all the time, it's just, well, annoying to think about that happening.

Imagine you're at home, ironing your pants, and suddenly a voice booms out, "It's me, God, I'm here".

You look around your living room, and you don't see anyone, so you say, "Where are you God? I don't see you."

God says, "I'm over here. In the pen. On the coffee table."

So you put down your iron and walk over to your coffee table and you address your pen. "You're in my pen? Why Lord? Whatever happened to the burning bush thing?"

Annoyed God replies, "Well I just didn't think it would be a very good idea to burst one of your house plants into flames, okay? It might burn your house down."

"Oh, I see. Sorry. All right then. What can I do for you today God?"

There is a long pause. And God says, "Well darn it, you made me forget what I was going to say! Next time don't distract me with so many stupid questions! I'm not a young God anymore, honestly, mankind! I'll be back later." And he's gone.

Can you imagine this being commonplace? How long would it be before the biggest topic of conversation in churches would be how damned rude it is of God to constantly be popping in on people at the most inopportune times? They'd say, "It's downright aggravating! And it seems He's doing it more and more all the time! How long is this going to go on? No one can live with God constantly dropping in unannounced!"

"It's always at a bad time, like when you're right in the middle of having sex; or when you're on the john; or when you just got the kids off to school and you're running late for work and you still have to grab a quick shower. Then, Boom! God shows up again and now you're going to be late. A visit from The Lord is not a good enough excuse to be late for work. You could lose your job over this."

God was not very considerate was He. "Can't He just go away and be invisible and quiet like before? What is up with Him dropping in on everyone all the time anyway, is He going senile? It has to stop!"

After much discussion, they decide, "We have to start telling Him not to visit us at home." "Maybe He could just show up at church on Sunday and give the sermons. That would be okay. " "It's true, this dropping in behavior just won't do. It's bugging us. Pastor, YOU tell him. You're our religious leader, you tell him!"

All over the country pastors are being besieged with demands that they set God straight. The Pastors are not thrilled with the idea of telling God to leave their parishioners alone, but they are the ones who supply the milk money, so it's either risk pissing off the Lord, or be out on the streets. Obviously, God has to go! People have to eat, and you can't eat the words of God. Especially when he shows up and can't remember what he was going to say.

What were they supposed to do? They talk and decide that God should understand. "We have to make a living!" He'll just have to wait until Sundays to visit, and then He can address the whole congregation all at once. It would increase God's productivity in a jiffy, cutting out all those extra visits! It would just be better that way for all involved.

So the Pastors finally get up the nerve and when God comes down for His next visit, they approach Him. They tell Him how everyone feels and suggest He should curtail His visits. They feel really really bad about it, but they're under tremendous pressure to get it taken care of. It was a very tense moment, and all of the pastors fully expect to get an angry earful from God over it.

But what happened, they didn't expect. Because God just looked at them, and a big old tear ran down His cheek. Then He started crying. Then Jesus showed up and said, "What's going on here? You made my dad cry!" And they told Jesus what they'd just told God. Jesus wept. Then He said, "Come on dad, let's get out of here!" And They went away and never came back.

Now all of the people are happy again. Things could finally get back to normal! No, it wouldn't end war or poverty or greed because God wouldn't actually be "Gone" gone the way they'd see it. They'd still go to church every Sunday and claim to love Jesus. You bet they would. Nothing will have changed. In the absense of any real God they'll do what they've always done; worship a God they've made in their own image. Because they're true believers.

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