Thursday, May 14, 2009

Political Cheats and Hacks

How do they do it? How do they get away with all of those bald faced lies and crimes? It truly is amazing isn't it? The fact is they do get away with the most honkin' wombat lies and despicable crimes anyone ever committed but somehow, nobody catches on, or at least none of the major establishment media outlets ever get a clue. They miss lie after crime after stinkin' lie.

Well that's just such a shame that I wanted to help. So, I went to a reliable independent source and got the official list of Political Cheats and Hacks that everyone should know and be familiar with so that anyone or their dog or even the biggest establishment media outlets could see the tricks, cheats and hacks, point them out, and win big prizes like not being politically unconscious stenographer twinkies anymore.

If the big boy thugs can know these cool hacks, why shouldn't everyone know them? It is good to know things. The more things we all know the better for us.

What struck me personally about the list is how what it describes as grown-up, legitimate, complex political strategies, are a lot like the juvenile bully games you can find on almost any grade school playground. But that's just my impression, see what you think.

Here's the official list:

Shitface - Playing shitface is very popular on the political stage. In essence, when confronted with a chunk of truth or when reasonably certain a chunk of truth is about to be released to the public, and that chunk of truth makes you look bad, exposes your wrong doing, hypocrisy or crime, or reveals your nasty-ass values and criminal interests to the public and you know the public will find you despicable and eject you from your power perch if they knew those things, you want to stop it as fast as you can.

If you want to prevent it before it even comes close to happening, Shitface is the hack for you. All you have to do is pick up a huge stinking handful of any available verbal excrement you can find nearby, including your own, and in public, before witnesses and television cameras, fling that handful of stinking dripping verbal excrement directly at the face of your opponent. When it smacks him in the face and the stench and revulsion begin to sink in, point at him and cry, "Shitface!!"

Now you and all your team must stand side by side, point at him and sing, "You are a shitface! You are a shitface! Nah nah nanah nah! Everybody look at the shitface! Ha ha!"

Everybody will look at the shitface, however briefly, and they will cry out, "Look at the Shitface!" "That Guy is a Shitface!" "Yikes! It's a Shitface!"

Then the TV and newspapers will immediately begin to pump out stories about what a shitface the guy is. They will make it up as they go and say, "He's been a shitface for a long time" and "He's always been a shit face for as long as I've known him" and "I never knew he was a shitface but I should have known, it was obvious." "What kind of shit was it, anyone know?" "Yes, it was (whatever kind of) shit!" "Didn't he have shit on his face before?" And they will bring in people from everywhere who will say they knew what a Shitface he was a long time ago. They will do long broadcasts on the whole topic of Shitfaces and how Shitfaced they are and why we should hate them for it.

It does not matter that the shit doesn't have any relation to the person who has been shitfaced. It does not matter that he did not put the shit on his own face. It does not matter that the people who threw the shit did it to lie and cheat. It does not matter that the shit on his face will destroy him, personally and professionally for the rest of his life. It certainly doesn't matter that he was coming to the people to give them the precious rare substance known as reality that would help set them free from the kind of people who play Shitface and cheat and who are criminals. All that matters is that he has shit on his face, no matter how it got there, or who threw it at him, or that the people who did that to him are the scum of the earth. Because all people will see when they look, is a guy standing there with shit on his face and they will be grossed out and reject him forever.

Same As - Same As is a very popular cheat that can be played by any half talented cheater or hack. The object of the cheat is to make your nasty ugly self look good by saying that you are the same as something that is very good indeed. Just forget all the damning truth about your amoral thug real self and say you are the same as Jesus, or Freedom and Democracy. That sounds much better than saying, "I want to kill everybody because I'm a raging sociopath asshole". It works even better when you can pay other people to say fantastic sounding "same as" things about you, especially all on the same day.

It is very compelling when people walk by and hear, "He is the same as all that is good and fine and true!", and "He is the same as doing everything right all of the time!", and "He is the same as the best thing ever!" People will say to themselves, he must be the same as a good thing and I think I shall vote for him.

It also works in reverse and can be used to destroy your opponent by saying, "He is the same as a crook and a rat and a liar and child molester and a terrorist and he does terrible things to small animals". When people walk by and hear that they will think, he is the same as a bad thing, I do not think I will vote for him".

It is a good game for any self aggrandizing meretricious hack and liar to get himself into a sweet spot and stay there.

Hide The Skunk - You have to be a pretty slick operator to pull this cheat off. Hide The Skunk requires one thing: you must have the ability to get a lot of people to voluntarily sit down and listen to you talk and go on and on until you are done. That makes Hide The Skunk of primary interest in big politics, the church, and organizations that front themselves as good and decent things like humanitarian organizations, charities, NGO's, foreign aid, national defense, your government and the like but which are also used to hide their various skunks which are elements of those organizations that are the exact opposite of or worse than what the organization stands for. Regular guys can play Hide The Skunk and lots of them do every day, but since they don't affect millions of lives they are irrelevant for the purposes of this article.

The basic goal of Hide the Skunk is to justify something that cannot be justified. The thing is so bad that it can't be justified no where, no how, no time, never, because it is crass, despicable, filthy, murderous and otherwise unacceptable. In spite of that, you want to do it anyway, but it would be seen and done in public view which would bust you in five minutes, so you need to Hide The Skunk. You literally have to hide all of the filthiness and death and cheating and corruption in a way that even though it's right there in front of everyone they will think it is actually something else.

Here is an example of Hide The Skunk. "War on terror" The skunk is very well hidden simply by asserting a drooling down the shirt dumb notion that you can wage a physical war on a non-sentient, nonphysical concept that amounts to a word in the dictionary. This is actually a proclamation of calling out the troops to fire on words in the dictionary because they are "bad" words. This would of course be ridiculous beyond comprehension and can't happen. Yet few stop to ask themselves, "Gee, if they aren't shooting dictionaries, what are they shooting?"

This is precisely why Hide The Skunk is the #1 preferred hack and cheat of politics. Professional highly skilled Hide The Skunk architects can hide the biggest, stinkiest skunks you've ever seen in your whole entire life. They can hide skunks that are bigger than Godzilla. In fact, there are so many hidden skunks all around us that have been piling up for years and years and years as politicians come, hide skunks, and go, that we are up to our eyeballs in hidden skunks. There's so many dang hidden skunks on every street in this country that you can't take five steps without tripping on them.

You can't see or find hidden skunks because they are expertly hidden, but you can't get away from the smell. In the heat of things sometimes the smell gets so unbearable that people will begin to say, "Hey, do you smell that? It stinks to high heaven around here. Is that a skunk smell?" When people begin to smell the hidden skunks, that can be handled with another game called "Your Brains Fell Out" or "You Are Mean And Hate Me For No Reason".

Your Brains Fell Out - Your Brains Fell Out is a great and easy game and hack and politicians love it. Your Brains Fell Out can get any first degree scum bag out of almost any hot water. Here's an example. When you've played Hide The Skunk and the skunks can't be seen but the stench is getting pretty intense and people come up to you and say, "I smell a skunk. Did you hide a skunk somewhere around here because I smell a skunk, I'm sure of it". You can say, "Your brains fell out!" and just walk away. Your Brains Fell Out is a sister to Shitface, but here it attempts to discredit people who are not asleep at the switch and who know what a skunk smells like. Your Brains Fell Out works so well that even when someone follows the smell to the hidden skunk and finds the skunk and comes back and says, "Hey! I found your hidden skunk!", and you reply with, "Your Brains Fell Out!" and walk away, then everyone listening will think that person's brains fell out and they won't believe he found any skunk at all.

It gets better though. Even when someone finds the skunk and takes some tail hairs and shoots many photographs and has eye witness accounts of you coming by and hiding your skunk and they saw you do it, you can still use "Your Brains Fell Out" and it will still, amazingly, continue to work. People will still not believe the actual real skunk tail hairs are real and they will say the skunk pictures are fakes and the skunk witnesses are liars whose brains fell out too.

Your Brains Fell Out is standard policy signed into law by our Federal Government back in 1865. They stand by it and have used it for every major government covered up crime since the assassination of Abraham Lincoln.

The only way to shoot down Your Brains Fell Out is when it is shot down by a person of higher rank than yourself, although even that doesn't always work but it can work if vigorously applied. Should such a thing be happening to you, all is not lost. There is yet another game called "Shut Up Forever".

Shut Up Forever - This is a sticky wicket of a game that is not recommended for the small fish in the pond. This is best reserved for the very largest sharks. Shut up Forever shuts up anyone forever. This is best accomplished by having them die. Political thugs and hacks have ways of getting this done, so that part of the game will not be covered here.

You Are Mean And Hate Me For No Reason - Premise and use identical to "Your Brains Fell Out". Usually used in combination with "You Have To Feel Sorry For Me Because I Know About Some People Who Are Long Dead But Had Horrible Lives", or "It's Not My Fault If You're Too Stupid To Worship The Right God". You Are Mean And Hate Me For No Reason is highly flexible and can be used with many other qualifying add-ons seamlessly.

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That's all there is to it. Just by consistently using all of the above hacks and cheats in your political games, you are next to guaranteed to get into office and hold that office and do whatever you like and get away with it, no matter how vile, despicable, disgusting, criminal, untrustworthy, murderous, hypocritical, immoral, inhuman and overall creepy you are. This Sack o' Political Hacks and Cheats (SOPHAC) is the best thing ever for nasty people all around the world!

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Want to test yourself? The following is a real live quote from the dark Lord Dick Cheney who is a high master of using the SOPHAC to crush people everywhere without them being able to make him stop.

From this article in today's ICH: While in Afghanistan in 2004, the dark lord told U.S. troops, "Your children and my grandchildren will live in freedom tomorrow because of what you're doing today." and "Freedom still has enemies here in Afghanistan. And you are here to make those enemies miserable."

Is he impressive or what? How many ultra sophisticated SOPHAC hacks can this guy cram into a few short sentences? How many skunks can anyone hide? Apparently there is no limit and that's exactly why the standard handy Sack O' Political Cheats and Hacks is the #1 indispensable tool for any up and coming power-craving dark lord wanna-be and already instated mean guys, thugs and liars alike. And just think, when the SOPHAC is used in combination with state of the art PR lies and the proven and highly evil psychological operations tactics available today, nothing can stop you. Throw in heavy weapons and butt-kissing, for-sale lawmakers and badda-bing, you can be unbeatable! Cool huh? Don't be in office without it, or else YOU might be the next Shitface or Shut Up Forever loser in the papers!

This article has been excerpted with permission from the 2009 edition of the Encyclopedia of Major Assholes of the World, published by the Suck Up and Face It University Press, Silicon Valley, CA. A profitless, unheard of, nobody dinky winky n/a spot that you can none the less find on way cool Google satellite map photos.

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