ANG'S BANK AND LOAN

Just out of curiosity, how many people out there are you getting a share of paycheck from? You know, every time they earn income a cut comes to you?

Or maybe you have the other plan, the one where you can just reach in to anyone's bank account you like whenever you please and take some money for yourself, without asking first or having any real reason or right to do so?

Or are you charging others hefty interest on play money you loan them? That's always a great way to get free money from other people.

How many of these setups do you have? - because I wanted to compare my situation to yours. I have not loaned out any play money at voracious interest rates, but I counted up how many people out there are giving me a piece of every penny they make and how many people's bank accounts I get to help myself to at will and the total number came to, exactly zero. How did you come out? Maybe I'm doing something wrong.

Oh, you got zero too? Well darn it, so far everyone I've asked has come up with zero. What's the deal here? Just who do you have to be to successfully propagate the idea that everybody owes you a piece of everything they earn? Because I have to tell you; I can't think of a better way to kick back and rake it in, and I'd love to get a piece of that action.

Why, if I could only set up a mere million people to fork over twenty percent of every dime they earn, I'd have a new house built to my specifications in no time, and on 30 private acres somewhere green and lush, with a nice big pond too, with ducks! That would be so cool. I'm thinking of somewhere up North in the cooler climates; I'm not much of a fan of high humidity. I like cooler temperatures. But how to get in on this? That is the question.

There are a few hurdles to overcome. It turns out that the nameless few people who do have this setup to bring in truckloads of free cash just for them are a bit piggish. They've worked things out with the Congress so that nobody else gets to gorge on other people's money at will. How did they work that out? It's not fair. We should all be able to dip into other people's wealth and snag bunches of it, because that's democratic. It's the definition of freedom. It's democracy in action.

Maybe I should just open a bank. It's a great way to go, you don't even need any real money to do it. I'll just go borrow other people's money and open Ang's Bank & Loan downtown. Then I'll put some of that borrowed invisible digital cash on deposit in my bank and instantly I will be able to begin loaning out imaginary fun money to anybody who comes in the door. Even raccoons who get lost and mistake my front door for a tree. If they can sign their name to a loan contract we're good to go.

Because, you see, if you own a bank you get this zany great deal, but it's only good if you own a bank; otherwise you can just forget it. You CANNOT do this as a regular person for some reason; I wish I knew why. We're all equal after all; we should all be able to get in on this sweet little deal. You see, for every dollar I have "on deposit" at Ang's Bank & Loan, I can loan out ten times that amount. That's right, I can loan out money that doesn't even exist! It's the coolest thing because even though the money doesn't exist, I can still charge all the interest I want and it gets paid back to me with REAL money.

Both the "loan" AND the interest! Can you beat this with a stick? I think not. We should all go into banking, don't you think? Heck yeah.

But it gets even better. You see, if I need more fun money to deposit in my bank to loan out more imaginary money, I can just print some up. I shit you not. Does it get any better than this? Wouldn't it be great if we could ALL print up money whenever we needed a little more? Come to think of it, why can't we? Oh well, who knows, I'm no expert on economics, I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason we do things this way. All I do know for sure is that this is called fractional reserve banking and it's how they do things in America. It's funny isn't it? - that hardly anybody knows about this.

But, like I said, the handful of nameless individuals who are the current benefactors of this sweet privileged deal are serious pigs about it. They want the right to suck up wads of free money from other people all to themselves and the darn Congress gave them a thumbs up on it! It is SO not fair. What makes bank owners so special? I can't think of anything, can you? Only they have the right to make up imaginary money anytime they want to and loan it out and just sit back and collect it back in real money that other people have to work their ass off for, plus free bonus interest. It's the sweetest deal in the world, in my humble opinion. I really think we should start pushing on Congress to open this up so we can all get a piece of it, don't you?

I tried to ask about it, but it turns out, nobody was at all receptive enough to even answer a few little questions about it. The Feds have literally no sense of humor on the subject, they get down right cranky. I'm not one to look for trouble; I know when it's time to leave the party, and I left. I can tell you right now that if you want to open a bank of your own, you better be connected because this feeding frenzy is a Private Party. I still say, it's patently unfair.

One of the other things that's so cool about owning a bank is being able to skip talking to people when you want a hunk of free cash from their account. You can just take it and don't have to say a dog gone word to them. This is one of my favorite bonus bank owner's extras, I'm telling you, the perks never quit.

Check it out. Let's say you open a checking account at Ang's Bank & Loan and this month is a tight one. You got laid off six weeks ago and that last paycheck you got has been stretched as far as it can go. It's three days until you get your unemployment check which will barely cover your rent and food, but it's better than being homeless for sure. Then, as luck would have it, the last check you wrote at the grocery store was for two cents more than your bank balance. Uh oh! Bad for you, GREAT FOR ME.

This is what I wait for because it's jubilee time. First, I set up my computers to instantly smack you with an enormous "insufficient funds" fee. It's so beautiful because we're talking about imaginary digits here, not actual hard currency! How can you be overdrawn on imaginary play money anyway? What a hoot, I swear it cracks me up! Anyway, let's say I decide that your "two cents over" thing is so evil that I have to punish you for all the "harm" you did to me. (Snicker). That's right, it harmed me to have to "cover" your two cents overdraft. That imaginary play money had to come out of MY pocket! (Chortle!) What a burden you placed on me; how could you? You really put my back to the wall this time, and I couldn't feed my children for having to cover that extra two cents.

Okay, it didn't impact me at all, but so what? I own the bank. I can do whatever I want. What are you going to do about it?

I therefore, as bank owner, decide that you must be punished! Yes, that's it, YOU MUST BE PUNISHED. (Mwa-hahahaha!)
You therefore must pay me immediately in the amount of, say, $45. Yes, that sounds fair. You must give me $45. And how should I collect this penalty from you? Well, you don't have any money in the bank, I know that much.

Usually, when some company or corporation thinks you owe them some money, they send you a bill. Then you get the bill in the mail and look at it, and if you dispute it or have a problem with it, you can pick up the phone and say "I refuse to pay this.”

Well I say, screw that! Since I'm right here anyway, I'm just going to reach into your account right here and now and take the $45, and you can find out about it later. Much later. Way after I've taken it and put it someplace you'll never be able to get it back again. That way, I don't have to put up with any argument from you, because customers are all the same. They always say, "That's not fair! It's a ridiculous amount to have to pay for such an inconsequential slight! No harm came to you! This is punitive and unjustified and I refuse to pay it! This is imposing a terrible hardship on me! I won't be able to eat, I'll lose my apartment and end up out on the street! You have no right to injure me like this, what are you, Satan?" I hate that argument, don't you? Doing it this way, they don't get to refuse to pay it! It's perfection.

Oh I know what you're saying - isn't it illegal for someone other than the account holder to help themselves to other people's personal legal bank accounts at will? Well of course it is silly. You can't just reach into anyone's bank account at will and snag a chunk. You can't and I can't and no other business or corporation of any kind can, but BANKERS CAN. Bankers are special. They get to take whatever they want from anyone's account any time they want to for any reason, no matter how stupid, unfair, preposterous or outrageous that reason may be. All they have to do is say, "It's bank POLICY", and call it a "FEE" or a "SERVICE CHARGE" (heehee, some service huh?) and voila! It instantly entitles them to just take cash out of your account.

But it gets better! You're going to love this. After I take the $45 dollars from you by increasing your negative balance, I can decide that it's really putting me out to have this minus sign in front of your digital account balance. I can say it's giving me hives or that it's against my religion, it really doesn't matter. In fact, I don't have to justify it at all! (It's so great to have friends in Congress, I'm telling you.) Then I can say, that for every day that goes by that you don't make a deposit to cover that negative amount, I am going to charge you ANOTHER $45 dollars, AND a "fee" for making me have to do this to you. You are such a pain in the butt! (Chortle snicker snort). So by the time you get your unemployment check in three days in the generous amount of $190 dollars, when you deposit it, I'll get $45x 4 plus $30 which comes to: $210! UH OH! YOU'RE OVERDRAWN AGAIN!! MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'll just take every penny you deposited and smack you with more fees. This is the easiest way to get rich that has ever been invented. Ain't it beautiful?

Oh, it's making tears run down my cheeks. Sweet, ain't it? And it's PERFECTLY LEGAL! You can't do a stinking thing about it and that's the best thing in the whole wide world. Especially when you consider how many millions of people are getting this shaft every single day of the week. But how are you supposed to eat this week? Who cares? Is that my problem? I'm running a bank here so go figure it out for yourself. Geez, some people think their troubles are everybody else's problem.

So anyway, as you can see, this situation can go on indefinitely and you can starve to death and get kicked out on the street and nobody's going to lift a finger to stop it. Because YOU are the evil and wrong person, not me. It was you after all who hit me with your whopping two cent overdraw and expected me to carry it for three whole days! What a jerk! Low life scum. Geez, how can some people look at themselves in the mirror, I just don't know.

You trust me right? I'd make a great banker wouldn't I? You'd want to open an account at my bank, right? Of course you would. You know you'd never be treated better. You'd be my favorite number one customer 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Just call my toll free number any time you like for any reason and to make sure you know how much I want to hear from you I will have a mindless pre-recorded non-entity on hand to answer the telephone who will address you in a nearly human tone and then force YOU to speak to it as though it were a person. This should humiliate and degrade you enough to make your day special. After all, face it now, if I gave a rat's butt about hearing from you, wouldn't I have a living breathing human being there who's entire purpose for existing was to see to your needs, wants, questions and comments? Damned right I would.

Hope you got the subtle message there. YOU REALLY MATTER AT ANG'S BANK AND LOAN. So come open your account today, or rather, as soon as I figure out who I have to **** or what to get in on this sweet deal. Becoming one of the very very few who gets to become obscenely wealthy off other people's back breaking hard work without ever having to do a day's work himself, well, is incredibly difficult. But if there's a way, by gum, I'll find it.

In all honesty though, don't hold your breath. Helicopter Bernanke is not returning my calls. Neither is the treasury department. Neither is the Federal Reserve Bank. All I'm asking for is an application to open my own bank right out of my own home. How hard can that be? I can print my own money right off the computer. Who's it gonna put out? I won't be a bother to anyone, I promise. I just want to print money out of thin air and not have to report how much, and loan it out as if it were real, and make up pretend amounts to loan to my nice customers who I only want to help out, for a fee of course, and a little interest. And I won't even bother running anyone through all those silly credit checks. I mean, how can I lose when the money is all pretend in the first place? Credit checks are just goofy; who needs them. And fingerprints? Who needs them? Your basic ID card is good enough for me. I trust you. You'll love my bank. You really will.

Alas, Ang's Bank and Loan will probably never come to be. It is SO not fair. I want to be a banker and get rich doing nothing like the big boys do. Why must it be so wickedly hard to get in on this when it's such a sweet deal that everyone deserves a shot at?

You tell me and we'll both know.

(And as the current "banking crisis" continues to unfold with the world's biggest banks being handed hundreds of millions of dollars to keep them "afloat" - which is coming out of our pockets by the way - who can blame any of us from wondering if this isn't every bit as orchestrated as the rest of the system. When they are in total control of all of the money and raking it in hand over fist how on earth could they be going bankrupt? Well, as soon as I get my own bank, if I ever do, I'll find out about it and let you know. In the meantime I strongly suggest you keep your hands tightly over your ass at the bank and whatever you do, don't bend over!)