What I Have Found

It was somewhere around 2004 that I first ran across David Icke online.  Someone had posted a video of one of his day-long  slide presentations at a theater in England.  It was just him up on a stage talking to a full house of people listening intently to his every word.

I started to watch it and was immediately engrossed in what he was saying.  He was saying what I was seeing.  He was making sense.  He was stringing together all of the pieces like beads on a necklace and revealing how they were all connected.

I was so excited.  At last, here was somebody talking about the things I was trying so hard to gain insight about.  I had done the rounds and never found anything that felt real to me.  It was a waste of time going to political web sites, especially the supposedly popular ones.  All they did was go around and around and manufacture tangled plates of talk spaghetti.  They accomplished nothing.  They provided no insights.  It was a great big endless taffy pull of 'he said - she said' and upholding the same viewpoints and framing of officialdom and big media.  It all stayed on the same mainstream acre and never strayed off it.  David Icke swerved all the way off it. He was coming at it from a completely different angle.

The first four hours of that video had me riveted.  It was straight facts, history, and connecting the dots. I was starving for it.  Here was someone who had some answers. I felt so gratified and was not going to budge until I saw the whole thing.  At the end of the fourth hour he told the audience it was time for a lunch break and to go eat something and be back for the next part in an hour.   I took fifteen minutes and then fired up the next segment.  Everything was going great,  then all of a sudden he started talking about lizard people.  I will never forget how I felt.  I was absolutely livid. I jumped to my feet in outrage.  It was some kind of sick joke. The guy had made a fool out of me.  I was sorry I'd ever had the misfortune to run across this stupid video.  I shut it off and walked away.

I went back to sifting through all kinds of things looking for clues, and reading everything I could get my hands on.  I had a lot of catching up to do.  I was keeping track of what was happening day to day with the absolute intent of knowing who all those people were in congress by name and by face.  I was going to watch them and listen to them until I personally knew who they were.  At the same time I was going backward in history to understand a great many events I'd heard of but didn't honestly know a thing about.  Iran Contra, the Kennedy assassinations, the first Iraq war, Colombian drug lords, senators dying in plane crashes, the Franklin Scandal, the CIA, black ops, false flags, Operation Gladio, Operation Mockingbird, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Kent State, Ruby Ridge, Waco, Pan Am/Lockerbie.  The list goes on and on.  It was pretty damned awful finding out what a bunch of lying, murderous, corrupt men had always been smiling in our faces while doing unspeakable things behind our backs.  I was finding out real things, true things that most people didn't know and it was double damned awful finding out that telling friends about them made me lose all of my friends.  They reacted to me as if I had gone over the edge and they were very impatient with me.  They didn't want to hear it.  To them I was sadly misinformed and too dull-witted to know how wrong I was.  Or just plain crazy.

It was tough going at the time.  The whole country was in the most terrifying pro-Bush fervor.  Nobody would dare say anything that sounded like they had a problem with what Bush was doing.  The few that did got served up to the likes of O'Reilly who cut them open and tore their still beating hearts out in order to spit on them.  Dissent was unpatriotic and any who doubted the 9-11 story or were against the horror and crime of the Iraq war were nothing but scum.  It was really vicious.  It was the first time in my life I was ever truly afraid.  I was afraid of my own government.  People who disagreed were in danger, that much was clear.  You had to watch what you said and who you said it to because many people, including long time friends, were becoming every bit as bad as O'Reilly and every bit as insane.

Combing through leads on the internet and reading from good sources who proved themselves still left a hole where media used to be.  I wanted to listen to informed opinion, to hear other perspectives.  The media was being torn down. Professional journalists were let go, newspapers bought out, international news offices completely disappeared.  There was one perspective on every channel and war was good, the government guys were honest and trustworthy, arresting people for what it said on their tee-shirt was good, and the Patriot Act was patriotic.  No photos of flag covered coffins were ever seen and we'd for sure find those WMD's eventually.  It was an information crisis. There was no information.  And the government was allowing media conglomeration like nothing I'd ever dreamed could happen.  I found Robert McChesney and watched "Orwell Rolls In His Grave".   I saw "The Corporation" and Danny Schecter's "Weapons of Mass Deception" on the spin about the Iraq war.

I read Alex Constantine's investigative article on aspartame and immediately gave up "diet" soft drinks and sugarless gum.  Found Betty Martini and Dr. Russell Blaylock and knew I'd never get another annual flu shot.  Haven't caught a cold or annual flu bug since.  Alex Constantine's piece on the Presidio child care nightmare introduced me to the stomach turning world of ritual abuse and pedophilia and the usual protection of the wicked by the media and officialdom.

Then I found Jeff Rense.  He has covered a heck of a lot of ground and his archives are a great place to get lost in.  Jeff Rense gave anybody a chance to have their say, even when they were totally loony.  And to his credit, Jeff Rense remains a consummate professional with all of his guests.  He is never rude.  He never attacks them.  He does not go for anyone's throat.  He honestly tries to be objective though sometimes he's not any better at it than the rest of us.  That's okay.  He's allowed.  Jeff Rense's show has drawn back the curtains on a great many things.  He deserves credit for his hard work, and I give it to him.

I found Alex Jones and watched his earliest videos.  He was definitely onto something. He didn't make anything up.  I'd never heard of him before.  The first show I listened to was an interview he'd done with a big time lawyer whose name escapes me;  who was coming out with some insider information about official crimes. He seemed to be telling the truth.  If what he was saying was true, and it appeared to be true, he was taking quite a risk.  I think he's dead now.  That happens a lot I've noticed.  I took in Alex Jones' show each morning for several months.  This was well before he went pseudo mainstream, and being so new to this kind of information I found it hard to blame him when he'd hit the wall.  I absolutely give him credit due for shining lights on dark places, but about the time of his first "big" movie it was time to move along.  Can I use the word "spazz" without it being a criticism?  Because I don't need to criticize the man.  It was just time for me to go.

I found Air America and Randy Rhodes and Mike Malloy, but Air America went down the bunny hole.  Not much of a loss.  I did find Mike Malloy again and hung onto him for dear life for a good while.  I feel sincere gratitude for his being such a decent, real man with his values in sound order.  He hated war and killing and he talked about Israel and Palestine.  He referred to  the Bush regime as "the Bush crime family". He was so kind that he took personal emails and answered them too.  He even mentioned my very first web site on his show and I got thousands of hits.  First class human being Mike Malloy. God love him. And his Kishka Polka too.

I bought Mae Brussel's radio archives and went to sleep at night listening to them.

Maria Heller. Greg Szymanski. Black Ops Radio. Radical Radio. Ralph Schoenman. Dave Emory.  Red Ice. Guns and Butter.  Freedomain Radio. TUC radio with Maria Gillardin (who irritates the crap out of me because first she tells you what the speaker is going to say and then he comes on and says it and then she immediately comes back and tells you what the speaker just said. It doesn't seem to bother anyone else but it drives me up the wall).   Coast to Coast.  Jordan Maxwell. Unwelcome Guests.  C-SPAN.  Indy Media.  World Affairs Council.  Tons more.  I've lost track.   I'll bet Google could give me a complete list of everyone I've read and listened to over the last eight years.  By now Google certainly knows more about me than I do.  That's not very helpful to me. More perplexing is wondering how it could be of any use to them, or any of their damned business in the first place.

I found newspapers from all over the world.  Canada.  Australia.  England.  Ireland. Russia. Germany. India. China. Jerusalem.  Countless web sites.  Some did mind bending, serious research and quietly put it out there to be found.  Some were just places to visit where brilliant people I hadn't found yet were contributors.   Some web sites kept their eyes on corporate badness -  congressional bribes, er, campaign donations - war crimes -  billions blown on corruption, waste and fraud in Iraq - whistleblowers - and the clumsy inbred thuggery of Bush's second stolen presidential election, to name a tiny few.  And then there was a literal explosion of political documentaries coming out and a ravenous public hunger for them.  My first web site pbsBlog.com was nothing but pages of links to movies about things we'd never see on TV. 

All the while the corporate/military/intelligence/congressional complex was relentlessly bunker busting American freedom and justice.  You could not keep up with it.  The hostile corporate takeover of America was the real weapon of mass destruction.

Switching through the television channels one day in utter disgust with the dreck and mindlessness of it all, I got all the way up to a little clump of channels in the 9,000 range.  I had no idea there was a 9,000 range.  These few channels at the end were listed way after the pay movie channels and the pay sports channels and the dozens of radio channels and dozens of foreign language channels in Spanish, Chinese and Hindi.  After all that there was a channel for UCTV, and Link TV and Free Speech TV, tucked in-between Mormon TV, Evangelist TV and Catholic TV. Free Speech TV was fundraising. Then Democracy Now came on.  I was thrilled.

At the time Democracy Now only had some 130 affiliates picking up the show.  It was just Amy Goodman, no Juan.  She used to do a War and Peace report where she actually did reporting on the war.  Some of it was really good.  She reported on things at the other end of our bombs and it was eye opening.  I watched it every day.  It was quite good for a while but then it went straight down the tubes.

Democracy Now never even mentions the wars anymore.  The War and Peace report never mentions war or peace. Fukushima is long forgotten. Nothing of import seems to make it on the air anymore.  She won't touch anything of actual relevance with a ten foot pole.  And I really don't care if some 93 year old lady who lived a dream life in some creative career making good money has died.  Good.  Fuck her.  I'm glad she's gone.  Make room for somebody else.  I don't know her.  I don't care.  It isn't news.  I don't care if that sounds terrible, it's beyond ludicrous.  I don't want to hear about orgasms or gay marriage or anything having to do with anyone's bodily fluids.  It's not news. I don't care. I couldn't care less about incredibly old people finally giving it up after living totally great lives as writers, dancers or 1940's entertainers, having a ball and wanting for nothing. I don't feel sorry for them. I've never heard of them.  It's irrelevant. It's not news. Democracy Now is DOA.  They also do totally fake news.  They're way gone.  What else is new?  And just once I wish somebody in the media would give us a Spock frown and say that Mexicans comprising over 50 percent of the US population in less than a decade is somewhat of a shock.  It is not automatically wonderful and delightful and happiness in every way.  Just once I'd like to see an honest discussion on things like this.  I'm not holding my breath.  I've moved on.

I also found Patriot radio and hung out there for a while.  It didn't take long to realize it was a total crock.  It's a game show.  If anybody thinks they're going to take America back they just don't get it.  There is no going back.  Nothing ever goes back, it moves ahead, for better or for worse. If anyone thinks they can shoot their way out of this they are very sadly mistaken.  Killing your way to happiness is the problem, not a solution.   It's a seduction that keeps people distracted or hopped up on Patriot dreams and heart squeezing tales of our saintly founding fathers. It's all a crock. Very effective way to keep people chasing their own tails and missing the whole point, thereby precluding any interference with the game plan.

I don't know how I found Vyzygoth's Grassy Knoll but it was the first radio broadcast that required me to take notes and do homework.  No ads, no incessant breaks for nonstop commercials, just the serious business of getting the picture.  His knowledge of history is truly impressive as is his general knowledge base.  He brought in a steady stream of interesting people who were into interesting things and discussed things I was clueless about.  Hence the notes and homework.  It was great.  Just what I needed.  He had on guys I'd never heard of like Alan Watt and Michael Tsarion and he spoke with victims of organized mind control and horrific ritual abuse.  He looked closely at Columbine in an excellent series and the Port Arthur Massacre too.  When Dunblane came up I already knew the story.  The shootings in Norway will without doubt end up on the same shelf.   The Informer series on law and the constitution was a kick in the stomach not to be missed.  His shows on 9/11 pounded the stuffing out of nonsense and skipped the pointless arguments that amount to nothing.  Vyzygoth opened a lot of windows.   

Alan Watt is warm and soft spoken. He is very informative but in a way that pushes terror and hopelessness. I listened to a lot of his audio before he got on Patriot radio.  I don't anymore.  I can't take it.

Michael Tsarion is a great speaker and I've watched most of his videos. He is fearless and walks right over sacred cows without apology.  His study of history and his take on things parallels David Icke's story of alien beginnings.

It doesn't phase me at all anymore when David Icke talks about lizard people.  I don't have to see anyone morph into a serpent to believe it.  It's perfectly clear these people are reptiles.  In fact I see David Icke's story as much the same as what it says in the bible. You say airplane, I say big silver bird.  Could we be talking about the same thing?  I believe there is an ultimate truth and I further believe that anyone can find it if they look for it. There are 360 directions to set as starting points.  If you and I are both searching for the same thing, and you head to the left and I head to the right, and we spend our lives picking up a trail and becoming one with it...should we really be surprised to see each other when we find what we've been  looking for?  Would we need to argue over the reality that your journey and my journey were completely different?  Could it matter more how we got here than that we have come to the same place?  I would throw my arms around you and be very happy to see you there.  We would have much more in common than not.

I have dug into all of these things over the last eight years, always against a backdrop of endless and horrible ongoing war.   Now the war is killing ordinary people just like you and me in multiple countries.  Average Americans don't know their leaders are seen as barbarians in the eyes of the whole rest of the world.  I think they would be truly shocked to realize it. They don't know that American arrogance and disrespect for people in other countries has gone so far for so long that America is now hated.  If they were able to see why, they would be heart sick. They don't know how lied to and manipulated they are, or how cut off, brainwashed and fearful they've become.  They don't see how their leaders are working so hard to provoke world war three and what a bunch of cold blooded bastards they really are.  They don't understand that their own elected officials with an entrenched network of insiders set out to break America's back and incite the world into bloody conflagration that will finally be happening here and not over there.  The jobs are gone, the constitution is irrelevant, and the economy is reeling like a drunk about to pass out.  None of it by accident; all of it on purpose.

About one year ago, I felt like I had finished a long and complicated crossword puzzle.  I put my pencil down.  I looked around and saw a lot of other people had finished their crossword puzzles too,  some a very long time ago.  I could also see that a whole lot of other people were still working on theirs; and a great many others hadn't even gotten started.  There was nothing to do but wait for more people to finish. There was nothing left to say. There is no more evidence to drag out and leave in the middle of the road for people to find.  All of the individuals and organizations I've mentioned above and many, many more have dug up all the evidence anyone could ever need. The reality of it all is piled up in mountains all around us.  Folks trip over the evidence with every step they take.  They just can't see it.  The moment anyone desires to see it, they will see it.  Like the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

So I unplugged from it all and wandered off.

I distracted myself.  I sat and hurt.  I worried.  I felt very alone.  I stopped paying attention to the violence and filth and lies that never stop pouring into our consciousness.  I did not forget about any of those things, I simply stopped carrying them with me. I know they are there. They aren't mine. I don't control them.  They are separate from me. They are not a part of me nor are they joined with me. They are completely foreign to me.  If anyone had the power to make it all stop I am sure they would make it all stop.

I also saw that to directly engage the monster only makes it grow stronger.  To engage it is to validate it, to validate it is to give it control over us.

I thought about the future and I thought about the present.  I saw how hard it is for everybody to find a hole in the ice to poke through for air and to discover that there's a whole other world above the ice.  I saw how much I've neglected myself and the price I have to pay for that.  I asked myself what I was going to do for the rest of my life and realized I had no idea.

It isn't so easy to get angry at people anymore.  I know from my own experience how easy it is to get pulled off course.  For a while I was blowing up in a rage over minor things;  never at a person only at inanimate things, and I swore my head off and howled like a dang fool. The angrier I got the more I raged, and the more I raged the angrier I got.  It was a closed loop of stupidity and pointlessness.  There was no satisfaction to be got, only more rage.  I would never get to what I needed which was to not feel angry anymore. I decided to not get angry next time.  Instead I would laugh.  Wish I'd thought of that sooner.  I can't recommend it enough.

I have gone from thinking that we have so little left to hold on to, to guide us, to help us find a way out of all this to seeing that what we need to hold onto, to guide us, to help us find our way out of all this is each other.  We have all we need.  So much struggle and worry and fear when nobody needs it.  Nobody wants it.  It is all for nothing.  It doesn't have to be this way.  We can honestly, truly, just let it go.  None of it matters.  It isn't real.  This is not who we are. I know this in a way that I can't put into words.   The static and confusion, the hate and the war, all come from one source: fear.  Fear isn't there naturally, it is fully and completely imposed on us.  It is a prison. The only way out is to love our way out.

I know.  What a horribly hokey thing for me to say.  The thing is, it is true.

All that we know to be good has come out of love.  No good ever has, or ever will come from any place devoid of love.   It is the most natural thing in the world to respect one another and to have empathy for each other.   It is normal to love our brother, no matter who he is or where he is from.

God help us if we really feel that love is too hokey for us.  If love is too hokey to matter, if love is foolishness, if love is mindless emotionalism, then this party is almost over.