tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35215770.post8472295136477015740..comments2023-09-11T19:56:03.229-07:00Comments on Think Or Be Eaten: Shitty PeopleAnghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02385030071978985956noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35215770.post-35479264319287654212012-11-25T23:27:06.799-08:002012-11-25T23:27:06.799-08:00Ang,
Thanks for the great advice, again. Wow.
I wa...Ang,<br />Thanks for the great advice, again. Wow.<br />I was kind of nervous about checking on your follow-up, because... well, I guess I felt I revealed something of myself. <br />I really can be overly sensitive and paranoid.<br /><br />Except that my intuitions are often correct... except when they are not.<br /><br />At my last job, a guy who wasn't my boss, but the CFO, started harassing me all the time. Saying things like, "So how was your weekend... with all those pot smokers in your neighborhood" (I live in the inner city, where people are supposedly too liberal and drugged out!).<br />Or, he might attack me for my anti-war views, which me must have found out about when I stupidly "friended" my real boss on Facebook the day after his brother committed suicide, so I accepted his request. Well, my boss shared my political views with the CFO...<br /><br />It got so bad I had to report him to someone else in management. He was chastised, and sort of apologized, claiming that it was all in "good fun," we should get a beer, etc.<br /><br />The same jerk, I found out, called a nice older coworker, a woman who had just been dealing with breast-cancer, a "bitch". He has also been known to get frisky with young co-worker women when drunk, etc. Very strange and just plain mean... He found out my wife is a yoga instructor, and told me once, as some kind of half-joke, half-revealing comment, "my yoga is drinking." Yikes.<br /><br />Anyway, my current boss and I are getting along OK, partly due to your good advice. It helps that my role has, suddenly, become very critical and strategic to the company, and I am the only one who is doing it right now. Of course, he is trying to hire two or three others ASAP to train for me role. <br /><br />I have started to notice that he often "attacks" or unexpectedly critiques other people in the company. It's like he's a loose cannon out to make a name for himself as some kind of crusader. Interesting. <br /><br />You are an unusually perceptive and wonderful person. Thangs, Ang.<br /><br />It's been a tough week, the holiday and all. My insane brother and my crazy mother are ganging up on me, and criticizing my wife, etc. That's a whole different story. Ever since my dad, who was an alcoholic and mentally ill but somehow able to be strangely open and empathic at times... ever since he died a few years ago, it's been a strange trip. I thought the family dynamics would improve, but somehow the sickness is being kept alive. My brother makes a lot of money, but is lonely and bitter. He used to be suicidal sometimes, but my wife would counsel him. Now he does nothing but bad mouth her. Last summer he dated a young woman, but they broke up. When he thought she might be pregnant, he was going to sue her for custody, because he would be a "better parent." Main point?<br /><br />I feel like I'm surrounded by craziness and insanity. When I try to explain my feelings about politics and the fact that our gov't is killing innocent men and women and children with drones, and that I hold Obama responsible at the moment, the Obama fans get angry and freaked out. It seems that a tiny minority of people I interact with can even see the reality of the brutal world our government helps to foster, in league with corporations, the police state, the arms industries, and the media. The Democrats are as dim-witted as the Republicans, and almost everyone is a willing accomplice.<br /><br />Add in family issues, and the fact that sometimes I dread going to work (like tonight, after two extra days off), and life can be somewhat... challenging.<br /><br />I do have a plan... leaving this company in less than a year and working with a friend who is a real genius in technology, and who, amazingly, is amazingly ethical and empathic and... good. And a great entrepreneur. But I'll really have to push myself to concentrate on almost nothing but learning a new/old fiend in real depth and breadth. <br /><br />There you have it. <br />I hope you had a good holiday, if you celebrate it. <br />Keep on writing. <br />Jacob Gitteshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10559764359800682222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35215770.post-42821964271707299092012-11-04T21:15:11.733-08:002012-11-04T21:15:11.733-08:00Well I like you Publius, and I don't care what...Well I like you Publius, and I don't care what anybody thinks. ;) It can be disturbing, but it doesn't have to be. Being sensitive and aware serves to give you information. As long as you don't expect others to be sensitive too then you'll be good. You'll have the information you need to see others for the way they are and deal with them as is most appropriate for all involved.Anghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02385030071978985956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35215770.post-68415206899957668002012-11-04T21:10:43.773-08:002012-11-04T21:10:43.773-08:00Yeah... I hear you. I know the type. Reptilian i...Yeah... I hear you. I know the type. Reptilian in the sense that where a normal sense of empathy and compassion are supposed to be there is nothing. Just a cold blank spot. As if to compensate, there is an overabundance of ego. Insufferable. And very corporate. <br /><br />This guy is doing what he believes is the right thing. The corporate mindset is that you must create an environment of fear amongst the lowliest workers in order to get the most work out of them. They believe in the stick and carrot philosophy, minus the carrot. It's really a sad and sorry belief system and the reason there has always been so much animosity between workers and bosses. <br /><br />First, he's not going to change. What you see now is all there is ever going to be. So step one is to accept it. Next, your way of seeing things is very much like mine. I find it irritating to come up against the corporate mentality, and I mean that in a literal sense. It can become intolerable in short order because it's just so dang degrading and f.o.s. But for your own sanity and success you can try to perceive this guy as a lost individual. Someone who doesn't get it and is therefore challenged. Have patience with him, and be courteous. He can't help it.<br /><br />The way this guy thinks is managerial. So make him manage. If he's telling you to do something that you can't fit in then ask him to manage it for you. Turn it around by making him solve the problem. Once it's back on him he may recognize you can't do the impossible and maybe he'll back off. Just tell it like it is, say, I have this to do which is priority one, do you agree with that? Get him to see it. If he says your primary duty is not priority one then your butt is covered and it opens the way for you to get clarification from HIS boss. Talk to him like a machine. Is this A or B? I was told it was A, now you're saying it is B. Which is it?<br /><br />He's also obviously trying to make you feel the pressure to do more than your original work contract stated. Since you're salaried you're exactly who he'll want to squeeze freebies out of. You knew going in that there would be some amount of overtime, but if this guy is wanting overtime to become a part of your regular day then you have the right to say you want a pay increase. I know the politics here, you're supposed to be a team player and all that jazz and if you are so unwilling to supplicate yourself as to stand up for what's fair and square it can quickly brand you in a negative way. Another way to go is to turn it back on him to manage for you. If you he wants to give you more work then he'll have to take something away from you to give you the time you need to do it. Again, just say, I have this to do and it takes X amount of time, right? Get him to acknowledge that. Then say I also have this and that to do and that fills up my entire day. I don't want to take work home every night, I want to get my work done during the work day. That's what a work day is for. You tell me what the priorities are and if you want me to take on something more than I already do maybe you can choose what to take away from me to make room for it. I want to do what you need but I can't do the impossible. Like I said, he's the manager so let him manage it. You have to stand up for yourself because if you don't you'll be miserable.<br /><br />I guess the good thing is that you only planned on staying a year. In a way that gives you more room to stand up for yourself. It's not like you had twenty years there and are now getting crushed. So, what you're experiencing is sadly, the usual corporate crap. You wanted to develop new skills, so here's your chance to learn to do wicked diplomacy. It can be done. If you can do it well your problems with him will decrease noticeably. <br /><br />AngAnghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02385030071978985956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35215770.post-54494254958013610472012-11-04T20:03:26.678-08:002012-11-04T20:03:26.678-08:00Addendum: I seem to have met a fair number of peop...Addendum: I seem to have met a fair number of people who like me or even really like me. I have trouble with some of the more "aspy" highly introverted, computer geek types... I'm somewhat in the middle, mildly introverted but I really like meeting people and getting to know them one-on-one. Some people seem to be strangely intimidated by me at times... I may be out of my mind, but I sometimes feel that my observational and perceptive abilities ( I studied biology and have always been highly into observing and perceiving and theorizing about the world)are noticed by some people and that they don't like having a person like me around. I should also add that I think I am highly empathic and attuned to emotional nuances. This can be a disturbing ability to have working in the corporate world!<br />Jacob Gitteshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10559764359800682222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35215770.post-79072633894200455462012-11-04T19:54:57.091-08:002012-11-04T19:54:57.091-08:00Ang,
Great reply - very helpful, and sane and prag...Ang,<br />Great reply - very helpful, and sane and pragmatic.<br />Gosh - what is it really going on here?<br />I work at a software company, a small one that is growing fast. Making lots of money. They don't make anything that hurts people (good!), and make a product that actually helps people (double good).<br /><br />They've grown so fast that they hired a bunch of "middle managers" just after I started earlier this year. These are people who don't really know technology, but manage people... I think they should have promoted one of the younger "kids" who were really doing a good job of managing themselves and others, but no, they had to hire the classic middle manager. <br /><br />Why does he bother me? Even before I was in his department (I was moved recently), I felt that he was superficial, unempathic, and... reptilian. Seriously. He is very into his appearance. I wouldn't find him attractive if I were a woman, but he's probably considered to be a normal, good looking, thin, youngish, ambitious man. But I didn't like him... I felt an air of callousness and manipulative energy. My paranoia? I don't know.<br />I think he added an element of fear to the department. I think he primarily motivates people by fear.<br /><br />After I was moved to his department, I was still doing tasks for my old department, plus I was (and still am) the sole person responsible for an important task that safeguards our customers. I was then given a glorified paperwork task, just when a big customer had a major technical problem. I worked on this problem late, at home in the evening even, etc. <br />I missed the unimportant, glorified data entry task's deadline.. I literally couldn't do it all.<br /><br />He then suggested that he would give me a "time and a half" pay if I did it at night or on the weekends. Well, find... except that I am salaried. I suspect he doesn't even know I'm not hourly, and didn't want to go there.<br /><br />To make a long story short, he threatened to "write me up" if I missed the new deadline.<br />I met it by ceasing to do the important work I was supposed to do, and focus on the somewhat unimportant data entry.<br /><br />I specialize in a certain type of technical work, but he recently asked if I could take more of the other kind my sub-department does. First of all, I was already doing that - trying to help out in that area. Secondly, I felt he was suggesting I wasn't working hard enough.<br /><br />I have noticed that he will talk to other fellow underlings of his about things such as his new big screen TV, thus "wasting" a fair amount of his and the other employee's time. I don't care, really... but how does that jibe with the idea that I should be doing more work, and taking more tasks on? <br /><br />He displays a "hypervigilant" streak, as though he wants people to know that he's always observing them. <br />Now, I am admittedly overly sensitive in some regards, perhaps seeing patterns in the world at times that aren't there, or more likely perceiving patterns correctly but exaggerating the extent of it. I feel that the carefree atmosphere with a lot of good camaraderie I saw in the department when I got there has been degraded... it's becoming more standard and corporate. The "boss" in question emphasizes procedures and standardization and reproducibility instead of people and the gifts they bring.<br /><br />I think this description should suffice. <br />My main goal is to learn some new skills, and get out of that department or even the company altogether in less than a year. I'm a refugee from academia, and am lucky to be given a chance in a new field I wasn't strictly qualified for, other than perhaps innate intelligence and curiosity (no, I don't think I'm a genius, just very adaptable and willing to start again with a beginner's mind).<br /><br />Be well.Jacob Gitteshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10559764359800682222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35215770.post-91969536652148147672012-11-02T20:49:49.888-07:002012-11-02T20:49:49.888-07:00Hi Publius,
It's nice to hear from you again....Hi Publius,<br /><br />It's nice to hear from you again. Thank you for your condolences.<br /> <br />Congratulations on the new job and the better pay. I hope it works out well for you.<br />I am glad you asked me for advice about the creepy supervisor. Here's what I think. First off trust yourself. If you feel creeped out then trust it. 2. Keep your interactions with this person strictly professional. Don't talk about personal things, don't talk about feelings, in other words don't give them anything that they can use against you. Just be smart, stay cool, do a good job and realize that at least for the time being that person is not a friend. Maybe after you work for them for a while and get to know the supervisor better you might feel more comfortable with them but if you don't feel "safe" with them in some way then keep a respectable distance. Don't be cold, don't be overly nice, just be yourself and do your work and do it well. <br /><br />I don't know what line of work you're in or where you're located, but in my experience work places can be nests of jealousy and have long running soap operas underway. Just... watch your back. If you can make friends easily there then that's a very good sign. If it's impossible to get anyone to warm up to you then that's not so good. You didn't mention anyone but the supervisor so if that's the only person you're uncomfortable with then that's good. It might turn out that you're not the only one who feels that way about the supervisor, but finding that out will probably be down the road a bit.<br /><br />New jobs can be unnerving sometimes, that's just how it is. But you will know whether something is over-the-line or not. If you're treated with brazen disrespect then you've got a problem. The supervisor may need to see you prove yourself and then once he/she earns respect for you, they might lighten up. You weren't specific about what kind of creepiness you feel, but don't distrust it. It's real. Respect it. My guess is everything will be fine, but again, you'll know that after a time. I hope that helps a bit.<br /><br />I'll look forward to your thoughts on the post when you get some time to write them down.<br /><br />Ang Anghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02385030071978985956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35215770.post-63873193194687842752012-11-02T17:16:57.318-07:002012-11-02T17:16:57.318-07:00Ang,
Hello there.
I have commented before, and re...Ang,<br />Hello there. <br />I have commented before, and read you for a number of years now. I have been recently so busy with a new job that I haven't had much time to read blogs or respond.<br /><br />I want to respond to this wonderful post, because I have something to say about it. I will do so later this weekend, I hope.<br /><br />First though, tonight, regarding your father: my condolences. He's lucky to have a daughter like you. I use the present tense, because you are still his daughter, and he still existed... that will always be true. And that's not even talking about an afterlife, whatever you believe about that.<br /><br />My own father died 4 years ago. It was intense and traumatic: he was supposed to come down to my son's 2nd birthday party, but he died instead, after being unloaded from a medivac helicopter. He told the nurse that he felt the greatest pain he ever had, and was dying. He was right, he died. <br />My dad was always a valetudinarian, if not a hypochondriac. He lived to be 86 despite his endless battles with alcohol and drug addiction. He was very abusive at times, but sometimes compassionate and empathic. He was a conundrum: the best dentist in the midwest, probably, and he treated poor people without demanding more than they could pay. If they couldn't pay at all, that was OK.<br /><br />He was open-minded: he used to invite a local orthodontist over for dinner, person who was thought to be gay - and was, and eventually was driven out of town. He was OK with homosexuality. He was an FDR liberal. Open-minded, despite his demons. <br /><br />Anyway, I can honestly say we were reconciled before he died. I wish he hadn't had to suffer so much from whatever it is that drove him to addiction and mental illness. But he was my father. Some people could never forgive him, but what does that say about him?<br /><br />More later. I want to talk about an odd issue with my new job... it's a good job in many ways, pays way better than the old job, but my current supervisor is someone who just gives me the creeps, who I instinctively don't trust... I am trying to determine if it is my paranoia, or if he really is one of the "shitty" people. I am starting to see patterns... how he only uses fear and disapproval to motivate, but never praise. The main thing though is just a heavy, intuitive feeling of distrust and uneasiness. Due to my background of growing up in a "dysfunctional" family, I am not sure if I am just paranoid, or maybe have a more attuned sense for manipulative people of ill-will. I need your help. Thanks again for your essays over the years.<br /><br />PubliusJacob Gitteshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10559764359800682222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35215770.post-76086899479150131452012-11-01T20:50:27.040-07:002012-11-01T20:50:27.040-07:00Lynda,
Thank you. It is hard to lose someone you...Lynda,<br /><br />Thank you. It is hard to lose someone you love. <br /><br />I am glad to know that you were able to survive marriage to a shitty person and got away from that situation. It is even better that you found someone who makes your life better, instead of worse.<br />I would feel grateful for that too.<br /><br />AngAnghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02385030071978985956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35215770.post-71855378738480065222012-11-01T20:41:28.285-07:002012-11-01T20:41:28.285-07:00Ang, my heart reaches out to touch yours with symp...Ang, my heart reaches out to touch yours with sympathy in the loss of your beloved father. May your memories of him and your interactions with him bring you comfort.<br /><br />I, like you, wouldn't hurt another and do not understand the mind that goes with people who can hurt others. I have been damaged by folks like those and it cuts for a long time. I married one. Bad idea. Divorced him; found a better man and married him. He understands and protects me from shitty people and I am grateful for that everyday.Lynda Halliger Otvos (Lynda M O)https://www.blogger.com/profile/08938791116446859160noreply@blogger.com